What’s a “barbarian?” A simple Google search gave me the definition above: an uncultured or brutish man person. Barbarian is also the title of the 2022 movie we just watched last Friday.

I have a lot of thoughts, so I decided to write them down an hour after watching it.

The Story (spoiler alert)

Barbarian started with a great opening scene. There were two strangers who double-booked a house in an abandoned area, Keith and Tess. Both were in town for their jobs (a prospective one for Tess.)

The day after their check-in, Keith and Tess went on with their days. When Tess arrived back at the house, a man, Andre, was chasing her, asking her to leave the house, which she understandably ignored — even I would not adhere to the demands of a stranger shouting at me from nowhere. A few moments after, she found herself in need of new supplies of tissue paper, and that’s how she found herself in the basement and in an eerie room with a bloody bed and a camera.

When Keith arrived, he was also intrigued by the basement. He was kind of adamant so he needed to see it for himself, and asked Tess to wait for him after he checks the basement.

Tess was too kind for her own good so she said yes. And when Keith didn’t come up quickly, she followed him there. The, they met the resident of the dungeon who killed Keith. More on her later.

Days (probably weeks, I’m not sure) after, we meet an alleged rapist, AJ Gilbride, who also happened to be an actor. Worried about his financials after the news broke out, he went to his Michigan property to see its condition and how he could make a profit out of it.

To his surprise, there were things in the house that were not his. He traced back the door that was open when he arrived, and there he found another option to bring money in the bank, the extra space in the basement. While he measures how much money he’s about to make, he discovers the dungeon himself. He sees an old TV playing an instructional video about breast feeding, and he meets the resident, let’s call her ‘Baby.’ Baby put him in the same entrapment she put Tess in.

While in there, Baby reached a huge bottle of milk for them to suck into. Tess warned him that he needs to suck it and shows an example, she explained that Baby only wants to treat people like her babies. He refused and was taken by Baby to her room with the instructional video. Tess took advantage of this and ran the hell out.

Now, we learn about the backstory of the house.

There used to be a middle-aged man, Frank, living in this house. He stalked women and put them in his dungeon. These poor women then were forced to procreate with him and his babies, and we later on learned that Baby was a product of a hellish level of incestuous relationships. That’s definitely the reason why baby looks the way she does.

Back to the present time, Tess was able to get out. Andre then sees her escaping and told her she shouldn’t come back ever since she was able to free herself. However, Tess was too kind for her own good! She called the police, but the police didn’t believe her because she’s rugged, filthy and from looks alone, you’d think she’s a crazy person who talks sanely.

They ignored her. Of course, they did. So, she went on to rescue AJ herself.

AJ managed to escape from Baby, while walking away from the dungeon, he noticed another door and opened it — because of course, who wouldn’t be curious? He saw an old weakly man, the original owner of the house, in a bed. He had his collection of VHS in the room as well. Upon watching one, he now understood that this man, who he was attempting to help awhile ago, is a sociopath and is better off dead. The old man probably realised this too since he was watching with him, so he decided to voluntarily exit the face of the earth.

Back to Tess. She was able to get her keys from the house, Baby was able to get out of the house, so naturally, Tess rammed her with her car. She headed back in to save AJ, but AJ accidentally shoots him with the pistol the old man used on himself.

They saw that Baby wasn’t in the place she was rammed in, so they sought refugee at Andre’s quarter. Despite Tess’ gunshot wound, Andre advised them to stay with him until the sun comes out and it’s safer. AJ was determined to get Tess help, I presume it’s to prove his a good man who have done a bad thing, as a oppose to an actual bad man. This time, he’s determined to fix his shooting Tess. Andre reassured them that it’s safer for them to be with him. as he was explaining how it has been 15 years and he was never attacked, he got attacked and killed right then and there.

Tess and AJ went running up the lighthouse. Tess yelled at AJ to use his gun, but his coordinations was impeccably useless that he dropped the pistol. Howeverm he fixed this with a great idea of pushing Tess, who Baby treats as her baby, off of a lighthouse. Baby jumped with her.

Now, at this point, I thought the movie was at its end, oh no… For some reasons, Baby, who jumped a few seconds after Tess, fell on the ground first. AJ saw Tess on top of Baby, both of them still alive.

Baby, being agitated with the attempted homicide, pressed his eyes out killing him. Tess grabbed the pistol and shot Baby to death.

Now, we move forward to our thoughts.

Tess is too kind for her own good, it’s exhausting

As with any other film, I put myself in the shoes of the protagonist. Tess’ shoes is not something I would’ve walked on, here are the reasons why:

If I see that someone else is in the house I booked in, I would definitely not have stayed there anymore.

Keith was not the antagonist, I know, but I still would not stay in a foreign neighbourhood with a stranger, even if I paid for it, even if I need a place to crash. If I have a car, I would have just stayed in the car or maybe I would have stayed in a convenience store. The latter I’ve done countless of times! The amount of trust she has had for Keith is crazy.

If I see a fucking dungeon in the BnB I’m staying at with a bloody bed and a camera, I would have fucking ran.

I am chismosa as chismosa one can be, but you will never see me pry on deeper onto something that I know could kill me, because that is stupid. It’s like knowing a venomous cobra is around the house, and you just come looking for it unarmed, unprotected for the sole purpose of seeing it.

I would not have followed Keith nor would have I saved AJ.

I know this would sound sociopathic, but the moment Keith told Tess he wants to see it, I’d be like, “Dude, do what you want. I’m out of here.” But since she has a heart of gold, of course she followed him. Also, Keith, wtf? Tess already told you creepy things are in the basement, I understand you’d be curious, but could you just have taken a peek and then ran away?

Now, on AJ’s case, I would have just ran after calling the police. Imagine, she was trapped there for God knows how long, I would put my safety first. It’s great that she cared, but, damn, at what cost? Having to go back there again knowing her life will be in danger?

I do admire her ramming Baby on the side of the house, but having to go back in the dungeon is what confuses the fuck out of me. Again, I admire the kindheartedness and brevity, but definitely not something I would have done.

I have a some questions

The following are eye-narrowing questions I had.

Who is Marcus?

We saw the name Marcus multiple times on Tess’ phone before she went in the house but we never find out who he was. He was just a name.

What is wrong with the policemen in the area?

They didn’t listen to the woman who looked like a crazy person, they kept dismissing her and even said they were wasting their time. Do policemen actually act like this? Isn’t their goal to serve and protect? An allegation wouldn’t come from anywhere, and if it weren’t true, it’s still worth checking! Such a disappointment. If it weren’t for them, Tess wouldn’t have to go back anymore.

How on earth did Tess fall on top of Baby?

On the penultimate scene, we clearly saw AJ pushing Tess first, now how was it possible that Baby, despite jumping later, fell first?

Also, how did they both survive falling from such height?

It was a lighthouse, it was for sure not just 5 feet! It doesn’t make any sense how Baby survived! Tess, I kind of understand because she had Baby as a cushion, but still! From that height, at least one of them should have died.

The Ending & Conclusion

Overall, I almost liked the film! The opening scene, as I have mentioned was unique and definitely a story that got me hooked, but then fell through, and crashed when it came to the ending.

The ending was meh. They could have just left it on a cliffhanger after AJ pushed Tess. It would have been a strong message about how some people would put others in danger if it means saving one of them. It was a smart move though! Since Baby was protective of her baby, the easiest way to get rid of her was to get rid of the person she cares for.

AJ is a selfish person through and through. He went to Michigan to sell a property, went deep into the dungeon to get a bigger measurement. He shot Tess accidentally, and was desperate to save her not because a person was in pain, but because it’s a mistake of his that he wanted to fix. Well, whatever his reasoning for it, right? As long we get to save Tess at the end of the day. Then he pushed her, but again, smart move.

Barbarian is one of the horror films I was able to watch. It was not filled with mythological creatures, and it features humans, who you actually should be scared of. However, the story doesn’t possess cohesiveness, in my opinion, so I don’t think I’d recommend it.